All social media experts “are actually the same person,” Wikileaks documents reveal

Candid documents released by Wikileaks on Tuesday have revealed all social media experts to actually be “the exact same individual,” the Guardian reported.

“Paul from Miami,” as he is identified in Wikileaks documents, appears to be the source of an entire industry of Twitter experts who seemingly give the same advice and yet somehow all have over 20,000 Twitter followers each.

“This is unprecedented,” said Jason Falls, a social media expert, in comment. “Like the moon landing and the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, how social media experts make money despite all having the same advice has always been guarded at the highest level. Now we finally know the truth. They are all the same person.” It is unclear whether Falls is, himself, “Paul from Miami” or an actual person.

Tensions mounted in the international community as Twitter experts worldwide called to their followers to “trust them.” Amber Naslund, who has actually been seen in person and has a real job, has been vouching for social media experts she “has met in person and knows for sure to be real.” Whether she herself is merely a pawn, or a real social media expert, remains to be seen.

#itsover was seen to be trending on Twitter, as accounts across the world discussed the impending catastrophe. The documents also revealed trust funds, spam, wealthy spouses, and jobs at Starbucks to be the top ways in which those social media experts who are real people pay their bills. Brian Solis, an expert who has been seen in many photographs and is therefore probably real, called for his industry to “engage,” mirroring the advice of many social media experts worldwide. His statement was retweeted by many, casting a spectre of doubt over many Twitter accounts who do all kind of seem to give the same advice, come to think of it.

Traffic to Wikileaks continued to soar despite DDoS assaults as unknown attackers continued to try and take down their servers this morning. “Social media experts could not be responsible for these attacks,” theorized CC Chapman, a content strategist, whatever that means. “Social media experts just don’t know enough about the internet to make it happen,” he concluded.

These allegations, and their implications, shake the very foundation of a nascent industry whose top figures have become well-known consultants and speakers at events around the world, some of which supposedly even happen in person.

Meanwhile, Wikileaks founder Julian Assange suggested more bombshells might be on the way. Speculation was rampant that “SEO experts” and “marketing gurus” might also all be sourced from a single individual, or worse, be “Paul from Miami” as well. Paranoia is on the rise.

Joseph Jaffe, a known South African social media expert and podcaster, concluded that “joining the conversation” was the only real solution to this dilemma. “We have to flip the funnel and engage, or we will never again be able to build social capital, or be part of the tribe,” Jaffe said, for some reason with a suspiciously American accent.

(With apologies to the Onion and thanks to Jay Baer.)






45 responses to “All social media experts “are actually the same person,” Wikileaks documents reveal”

  1. Chel Avatar

    Best. Laugh. Evah.

  2. The Doctor Avatar

    Thanks. You just made my day. πŸ™‚

  3. Sano Avatar

    Good one. Hillarious.

  4. Drew Hawkins Avatar

    Earth-shattering. And awesome.

  5. Nik Hewitt Avatar

    Quality πŸ™‚

  6. Barbara Dozetos Avatar

    Julien, this is one of the funniest bits I’ve read in a long time. Love it!

  7. Luca Avatar

    I laughed, smiled and then took a deep breath in sigh of relief that this has been published.

    That is all.

  8. Anthony Rotolo Avatar

    This explains so much!

  9. Teri Conrad Avatar

    Oh you clever boy! haha

  10. Ironshef Avatar

    This post was epic. In fact…

    Ò€œIt was great. It was better than Cats. I would [read] it again and again.Ò€

  11. Gloria Bell Avatar

    Thank you for the best laugh of the week!

  12. Sylvia Lima Avatar
    Sylvia Lima

    I knew it! Multiple websites, multiple projects, multiple Facebook pages & multi-twitter accounts – makes total sense! πŸ˜‰ thx for the this morning’s LOL

  13. Andrea Arrogante Avatar
    Andrea Arrogante

    I like it!
    How’s the weather in Miami, Paul?

  14. Sascha Avatar

    I can see clearly now… πŸ˜€

  15. Sol Young Avatar

    One person, somewhere, is getting the last laugh.

  16. P f M Avatar
    P f M

    Now I am really confused. Am I really so many person?

  17. Jon, I mean Bob, I mean Sally... Avatar
    Jon, I mean Bob, I mean Sally…

    Now my fingers are really hurting from typing out so many comments under different names.

  18. Joseph Jaffe Avatar

    Turns out Julien Smith was actually Strumpette. Who knew?

    Very illuminating Mr Illuminati

  19. Dave Macdonald Avatar
    Dave Macdonald

    Love it hilarious!

  20. Tamsen McMahon Avatar

    Simply divine, Mr. Smith…if that *is* your real name.

  21. Renee C Avatar

    We have to flip the funnel and engage… classic.

  22. Sherman Rockwell Avatar
    Sherman Rockwell

    Glad it’s finally out!

  23. Jess Ostroff Avatar

    I KNEW Jay and Jason were actually just the same person in different offensive t-shirts! Love. Thanks for spreading the truth, Julian!

  24. Jess Ostroff Avatar

    (Julien, not Julian, sorry!!)

  25. Aimee Davison Avatar

    Related: always remember that a guru is an energy drink.

  26. Miriam Schwab Avatar

    Thanks so much for making me lol. This is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time. I especially love “We have to flip the funnel and engage, or we will never again be able to build social capital, or be part of the tribe.”

  27. Markus Avatar

    Great! This explains a lot πŸ˜‰

  28. Diane Brogan Avatar

    Julien, You are brilliant πŸ™‚

  29. John Wayne Zimmerman Avatar

    Quick. Someone reprogram the Matrix.. we can’t be found out. LOL.

  30. Judah Johns Avatar

    LoL Thanks for making my day better.

  31. Barry Dalton Avatar

    great humor always has a thread of truth…we all need to be able to laugh at ourselves now and again. Julien, mission accomplished!

  32. Chris Avatar

    Amazing…! I wish I had thought of that, smarty pants…lol

  33. Jim Greenberg Avatar
    Jim Greenberg

    Made my day…

  34. Lynette Young Avatar

    The gig is UP – grab the chips and RUN! Dammit, now we all have to go back to our regular day gigs of fry cook or janitor.

  35. Adrienne Knight Avatar
    Adrienne Knight

    Love it! Hilarious!!!

  36. Janet Avatar

    Darn it! Now I have to back to my job at Starbucks!

  37. Kathleen Gage Avatar

    Probably someone with lots of personalities. LOL

  38. Amber Naslund Avatar

    I am merely a pawn in the great game known as internet superfame. And I have two cats. And my avatar is really a photoshopped version of Neve Campbell. Believe it. She ROCKS the internets and the Twitters. I make all my money selling herbal supplements.

  39. Rina Avatar

    LOL.I couldn’t stop laughing. Very clever.
    -Guru and social expert#3164

  40. andrew Avatar

    This social media expert is only trying to improve his/her advocacy – what is wrong with that?

  41. Kris Bradley Avatar
    Kris Bradley

    incredibly funny on a most sarcastic level

  42. Chris Burdge Avatar

    u funny Mr. Smith, or should I call you ‘Paul’…

  43. roni Avatar

    dammit you caught me. Now I’ll be Sally from Miami. FUCK!

  44. Howard Stein Avatar

    Then the irreversible thrilling excitement of a Chief Social Media Strategist at a large East Coast ad agency who was PROMOTED to Chief Social Media Content Officer! (I think I got that right within a position or two) It was HUGE, dude, huge.
    I quiver at the thought.

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