Julien Smith: The following statement has no need for exaggeration: HOT FRENCH CHICKS. Oh yes! I was at a party last night and it was filled with, holy crap, hot French chicks. A lot of them. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m used to hanging with English people and let me just say that there’s a whole — there is a level, different universes almost and you go into one of them and if it is filled with hot French chicks, it makes the entire thing collapse in upon itself. That is how hot they were. Holy crap! And they all live in my building. It’s ridiculous.
In Over Your Head #125. My name is Julien Smith. If you are listening to this from SIRIUS satellite radio, you will get 24 minutes of this and no more. Afterwards you can pick it up on Arno, who is my tattoo artist for this piece. He’s like fucking six inches from my goddamn face while he was tattooing me and needle is getting put into me by thousand times a minute and do this like “I fucking hate Vice Magazine,” and I’m like, “Oh yeah.”
It’s funny because I was looking at Vice Magazine and there’s this whole thing about like how white shoes are cool and you can get a bunch of white shoes, but they have to be really dirty; otherwise, you’re a nobody or somehow don’t fall into their elite club. I personally find the magazine to be hilarious; however, I agree that it is goddamn pretentious, even more pretentious than I am on my worst day in their least pretentious magazine.
Still, nonetheless, I think that I’ve taught you guys a valuable lesson about shoes, you know what I mean? I swear to God if you start looking around the city, it’s like ever since I noticed this, it came in from a comic. I was reading like — I just read random web comics all the time and this fucking thing came at me. This was like from Cat and Girl, which is a really well-known, really super intelligent fucking web comic and I’ll put a link into it on the site if you want and you could fucking go look at it that shit. It is just like it blew my fucking mind. I started looking at people with white shoes, people with dirty white shoes, clean white shoes, and I was like fuck! It’s like all real like it’sâ€¦ My friend, Freddy, who I was talking to I was like “hey, what’s up?” Damn white shoes and they’re clean. The kid grew up in Cotes des Neiges, a pretty poor neighborhood in the Montreal from Indian parents and he was broke his whole fucking life. I guess his parents are still broke. He’s got a pretty god job now, but he still keeps his white shoes pretty fucking clean.
[Outerspace – Conspiracy Theory plays]
I don’t know what the hell that was. It just goes at the end of the track. What is it with fucking hip hop and skits? I don’t know. I’m having this discussion with this punk rock friend of mine and he’s all “yeah what do you think of the EP that we found on this site, it’s like Adult Swim EP. It’s like for free you can download it.” I was like “it’s pretty good.” He’s like “what’s with all the skits.” He doesn’t understand skits. I don’t understand them either. I think they’re bullshit. I just want some fucking tracks with some goddamn lyrics, geez, shut the fuck up. I don’t want to hear any more jokes. Get on television or start a fucking podcast, all right? Do not fucking put skits in between the tracks that I am trying to hear. Thank you. Even though this in and of itself, isn’t this kind of like half a skit? Anyway, whatever.
You know those people that they say — they ask you “you had a tattoo?” or somebody got a tattoo and they’re like “did that hurt?” and then they say “no, not really.” Those people are lying, and I’m going to tell you why — because I came home fucking delirious the other night after four and a half hours of tattoo work. This is not fucking funny. Like seriously, I was on the bus and I was like half passing out with like my fucking head against the window going “what the fuck!” and then like trying to find the quickest way home possible, and I ended up fucking stumbling home for like 20 minutes of walking after half an hour of bus after like — I was like — I don’t not know why I did this, but like an hour after getting tattooed I decided to get a beer. This is really stupid of me. I don’t know why I did it. My tattoo is fine, but you should not be drinking right after you get work like that done, especially over four and a half fucking hours. You know what you should be doing? You should be doing get like a fucking orange juice, vegetable juice, and get a nice fucking salad with like lots of like iron and some bullshit and then you should go to sleep for like a whole fucking day. That is what you should be doing. You should not be drinking beer. Don’t drink beer after getting tattooed. If you want to drink beer later or any other time, then that’s perfectly fine, but seriously it’s like fucking getting injected a thousand times a minute.
My friend, my roommate KC, he was like well you know what? It’s like when — imagine you get a paper cut, but imagine you get a paper cut consistently for about two to three hours of time if you are getting tattooed for that long. It’s just like, that’s what it feels like, but after the end it is just like “goddamn fucking nice!” I was talking to my tattoo artist and he is like “you know my resistance to the pain and my ability to deal with the pain decreases as I get older” and the dude has like his whole — all his arms were covered. His fucking whole back is covered with this gigantic fucking piece. All this shit and then like — he’s like “no, I can handle it even less than I could before” as he is getting older. So, you can imagine how I feel. We’re about the same age. I think he was 30s — 30 maybe? He’s been tattooing for about six years. I am 27. I feel like I’m fucking 55 when I get under that goddamn chair. We got about two hours to go, but goddamn is it fucking nice!
It’s strange. Some people are like “you know, it’s a certain — oh, you have so much confidence to go,” but t o me, it’s not even a question. I’d be like I’m just going to get tattooed like it’s not even — these people, you may be one of them that theyâ€™re like “well I don’t know, I should just get work,” da-da-da-da. Tattoos will never get perfect.
Immediately after you get them, you’ll get them, you’ll love them, you’ll fucking look at them, and then one day you’ll be like “huh? What’s that? Oh, I wish that had been done differently.” Then you get over that because it’s not a big deal. You know what? Nothing is perfect in this goddamn life. You know your job isn’t perfect. Your wife or husband isn’t perfect. Your apartment isn’t perfect. Your fucking dogs and cats aren’t perfect and your fucking children are bastards and assholes, you know what I mean? They spend 12 hours a day on MySpace. So, you know what, if your tattoo isn’t perfect either you’re going to be fucking fine.
You know — life is not perfect. Stop trying to make it perfect. Just fucking go and like fucking scale Everest if you want a goddamn scale Everest. Don’t wait for the perfect time. Here I am and I’m waiting for the perfect time and Iâ€¦ There’s this thing I’ve been wanting to do for fucking forever. It’s called the Appalachian Trail. It’s a gigantic, gigantic trail that goes from Georgia to Maine and I heard about it when I was around 22 and I’ve been wanting to do it ever since. I almost went. Requires a couple of ground and takes about six months of walking straight if you do the entire thing. I got like two or three books sitting right in my room over there about how to do it, what the best way to fucking prepare for that shit is, all that shit. I’ve got it all there and I’m waiting. I’m one of those people exactly what I’m saying that I shouldn’t be — one of those people that waits for that perfect moment. It’ll be like “oh, I’m waiting for my career” or something, you know, some bullshit or whatever.
You just heard Outerspace: Conspiracy Theory, which is aâ€¦ What the fucking record label? Who cares what record label it is? It’s a good fucking track. All this shit as I said is available on inoveryourhead.net. I’m like fucking delirious here, it’s just crazy. I just came home from work. I just did this interview over flashmobs for a French television station and they’re like talking to me, like this happened yesterday, like it’s the newest fucking thing, which is so bizarre because I did that shit three years ago. To me it was like — it’s like you know when movie stars — let’s take Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise is a fucking nutcase, all right? And there is some other fucking nutcases out there. They just had a sculpture made of his poop. Oh no, sorry not of his poop, his fucking kid’s poop. There is a sculpture made out of it, all right, in bronze. So, these people are fucking crazy. What they need to learn to do is they need to learn from the book of fucking JD Salinger. They need to write a book, be in a couple of movies, be a fucking genius, and then disappear. You know? That’s what Jim Carey should have fucking done. Now look at him. I don’t even know what the fuck he does. Nobody does. You know he did a couple of really good things, disappeared for a while, and then came back and done Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and then disappeared again. Then everybody would be fucking worshipping. They’d be at his feet going “god, this guy is incredible.”
So, this is what we did, we did a couple of them and we were likeâ€¦ Either we have a choice to continue and keep this going or we can just stop it before people start thinking it’s lame and it’s funny because with this podcast, this is the longest thing that I’ve ever done in my whole life, fucking two years of doing this. I’m amazed that I’ve lasted. I don’t last this long at anything except sex because I am a sex god. Okay? I’m fucking incredible with that shit. I swear to God.
[Wise Intelligent – Genocide plays]
Wise Intelligent — wiser and more intelligent than you will ever be; probably very likely myself as well. So, SIRIUS listeners, you got about nine seconds left and then you were gone. So, I’m sorry to hear it, but I love you guys. Check me out, inoveryourhead.net. Peace.
For the rest of you, we will continue because we’re good like that. We’re so tight. We could fucking — yeah, we’re going to hang out for hours, man! Oh yeah, thank — we’re going to be like fucking 90 minute podcast everyday, you and me. It’s going to be awesome, but yeah, thatâ€™s it.
Doing a show for SIRIUS is way different. It’s like kind of fucked up because you got this whole situation where itâ€™s going to be 24 minutes, you got to say bye, you got to like, acknowledge. All that shit it is like it is very weird. Sometimes I’ll do 24-minute shows because it’s just, it’s the pain in the ass, and other times it would just be like “well, okay and we’re going to keep it going like were doing it like this.”
You know how close I fucking came to not even being able to speak English properly? Like I learned English… okay, the party that I’m at yesterday with the hot French girls? I’m fucking talking with this chick and she is like “hey, you have no accent in French,” which is great. If I had done the fucking interview this afternoon and it had been all in French and I had a terrible accent, I would’ve been really embarrassed and I wouldn’t have told my parents because they would’ve been like “you’re a shame to the family.” But since I am not a shame to the family it works out, she goes, “You have no accent,” this girl says, “but you dress like an English person.” Now, there’s a stereotype and I’m going to explain the stereotype to you bastards that are still listening to this. English people are square heads in Quebec. That is what you guys are called. That is what we are called. I grew up Francophone, however. Nonetheless, most of my friends are English. I am mostly English and I could be qualified as a square head. I dress like I’m fucking English.
It’s like my roommate. Really funny, his name is Peter and he came down with me and he’s got this like New York accent. He speaks French with an English accent and all these girls are fucking all over him. They’re giggling like fucking school girls, it was like 18-year-old chicks are like fucking all over him because of his English accent. So, any of you dudes that want to pick up, here is the time, this is the place to come. You know what I mean? If you go to Europe, yeah, it’s really expensive. You got to go all the way over there and blah, blah, blah. Instead you come here, you get picked up by fucking 18-year-old girls that are like dying to get some fucking foreign tail, you know what I’m saying? That’s what you are going to do. It works for both genders by the way. Both genders — oh yeah, way we love it, oh yeah, love it.
Anyway, so the fucking — the thing is the language is obtained, best obtained, in the earliest phases of life. I learned French, my first language obviously, and then I learned English at about the age of 3. Two years later and my French might never have — my English might have been impacted to a point where I would never be able to speak English the way that I do now. So, it is a total fucking fluke, you know what I mean? And it’s just like so teach your fucking kids another goddamn language. When you have kids, you’ve got to fucking teach them as many fucking language that you fucking can in the first phases of their life because that will influence them so fucking hardcore. Ella and I were having a conversation. She was just like “listen you don’t understand, bilingualism is like fucking insane and the rest of the world, you people take it for granted, but it’s super valuable,” and I’m like “what the fuck are you talking about?” Because here you can’t get a job even as a secretary except without speaking English and French, you know what I mean? I mean you can get jobs where you only speak English or you can get jobs like letâ€™s say telemarketing or customer service speaking to English people, but for the most part they’re going to ask you to fill out your forms in French and shit like that. So, I mean come on. You need both for the most part. So whatever the case, I mean that’s it. I almost was not capable of fucking, you know, speak English properly. I still don’t know any grammar rules in English at all.
One of my friends is teaching English to either newly immigrated people or to — I don’t know. He’s teaching English to fucking young kids. He’s in the same position that I am. He is bilingual. French is his first language, but he speaks English like natively right like me right? And he is like “I have to teach all these people, these grammar rules except I don’t know any of them at all.” It’s like I can correct other people’s English and be like “no that it’s with an apostrophe not its without an apostrophe” or usually the other way around and like differences between there and their, like the majority of fucking English native speakers can’t tell, but if you fucking put me in front of an exam, I swear to God I’m going to get less than like fucking 30% on that exam. I won’t be able to tell you why it happens. I will be able to be like oh yeah, that’s clearly the answer, that’s the answer, that’s the answer, all about the language. I know all about the language, but I don’t know a goddamn thing about how the fuck it works, you know what I mean? And most native speakers of languages do not. If you don’t have to take class, you usually don’t know the fucking rules. When I went to French school, itâ€™s really idiotic because that’s all they taught us. This is what French school is all about when you actually go in to your French classes, they don’t teach you about goddamn literature here in Quebec ever. I swear to God, I didn’t read more than fucking 10 French books in 12 years of French school. All I did was learn the same fucking rules over and over and over again. Now, I don’t know shit about French books, so what the hell is that, you know what I mean? It’s like how under educated am I? This is pretty fucked up.
Oh, shit! This thing is going to go over 30 minutes. I don’t think I’m deserving of being over 30 minutes, but I got one more great track to play for you guys by The Notwist and I hope you guys would check it out. I’m going to fucking end this shit now and I’ll talk to guys next week. It’s been really sweet chilling out and yes, send some comments, firstname.lastname@example.org, but you can’t spell that properly because itâ€™s a French name with a French spelling. Just go to my fucking website, okay? This is The Notwist, check it out. Peace. Bye.
[The Notwist – Consequence plays]