My weird sex dream with Joanne Colan – transcript

Yeah, so I kind of had a sex dream about Joanne Colan last night which is kind of fucked up because we’ve never really met. So here is the dream, here is the set up. I am in a family vacation, all right, or maybe Cape Cod and this is what it felt like, just like a cottage. We’re on the couch and we’re kinda making out and it’s kinda like the couch that I have in my living room. Obviously, you know, this is a dream, so keep with me. It started we’re making out. We’re just like, you know, we’re getting it on a little bit like nothing heavy and then members of my family start passing by one after the other, after the other. Then, check this out, this is what happens. My uncle who’s a priest — I’m sorry. I’m having trouble getting this out because honestly like I feel kind of dirty, but what you are gonna do? So, my uncle passes by. He’s a priest, a Catholic priest. Keep in mind like recently I’ve gotten tattooed. I got a big Virgin Mary tattoo on my chest. So, all these Catholic kinda like fucked up impressions are like staying in my head or whatever. My uncle priest passed by, hands me a condom wrapper and a rosary. So, what the fuck does that mean? I don’t wanna look it up in a goddamn book to find out what the fuck that means. I am not seeing any goddamn tarot readers. I want nothing to do with whatever the hell that dream meant whether it’d been Joanne Colan or rosaries that he hands me. What the fuck kind of psyche comes up with this? This is a fucked up idea. In Over Your Head #129. This is where we’re going. This is where we’re at. I am alone in the house for the first time in like 25 episodes. Everything nice set up. We’ve got some good shit for you. Stay with me mother fuckers.

[Euphrates – Told You So feat. D-Shade plays]

When I was young I got like three years of Latin education. Why? You would ask yourself. You would have a good reason to ask that because it was totally fucking useless. You know what I mean? It’s like — okay, so first of all, the education system, what they do is they — I don’t know about you guys in the States or where the fuck you are. Maybe you can email me if you’d like, inoveryourhead at Tell me what you’re fuckin’ education system is like and how it is fucked in its own particular unique way because I know they’re all fucked. Come on, let’s not lie to ourselves here. So, in my particular situation, they decided to fit me in with a bunch of I guess privileged or smart kids. Now, keep in mind that this whole thing is fucking arbitrary and based on the very principle that they wanna keep you back for as long as humanly possible so that everyone graduates high school at the same level. You know some of them are a little bit smarter, some of them a little bit less smart or let’s say less capable of doing standardized testing because really I mean like you could be a fuckin’ idiot and be great at standardized testing or the other way around. You could be a genius and you can score terribly at these things. That’s how life actually works. You know what I mean? That’s what the school system is, you know? It doesn’t make sense.

So, they put me into Latin education along with 30 other people in my school from what is equivalent to your grade seven to grade nine. Now, the first question that you would think is, “Wow, this is so interesting. What did you learn from Latin school?” Let me tell you. Imagine that you’re given a code and this code has no function in the real world. It can’t decode anything that exists in the real world at all and there is no way you’ll even remember it two years after like down the line around grade 11, there is not a goddamn thing I remember. You wanna know what it’s like? If you want to take a programming analogy , it’s like learning Cobol. It’s the equivalent of learning goddamn Cobol, a dead programming language, except that Cobol is like — actually Cobol and Latin are right next to each other, useless languages, three years. First year, they taught us about declensions. Now, I had to look this up in order to find out what the hell this meant because it is in French. It’s a whole other thing and I had to learn it from French so you could imagine. You know what I mean? When I was young, by the way, I don’t know about you guys, but having grown up with two languages maybe you could tell me about how it feels for you, but when I heard about other languages, let’s say Chinese, or when I heard about I don’t know whatever it is like Chinese, Arabic whatever, I always thought that there were English versions of Chinese and French versions of Chinese. I thought that it was like the world was divided into French and English versions of everything. This is what my culture taught me, you know what I mean? So, for 5 to 10 years, this is honestly what I believed.

Forget about the Joanne Colan thing that I just mentioned. There is innumerous amount of ways in which I have been fucked up by my surrounding, you know, environments, by everything. I mean what is that? But then one of the only things that I ended up learning that ended up actually being interesting was learning Latin. I’m not sure that the — what the fuck am I saying? Not learning Latin, that’s useless. I learned violin which is nice. So, that’s like an instrument. You know what I mean? That didn’t bring me anywhere either, but then I could go like, “Oh, I learned violin.” It was not even useful like you can put that on CV or something, but so what? Does anyone even use a CV anymore?

My new thing is instead of using a CV, go get a blog. I have not had a regular job in like a year and every job that I’ve had has been through people that I have met one after the other where people have been like, “Oh yeah, I know a guy that does this.” This is basically how I get work and how I live. I was chatting with this girl Monica yesterday who wants to do a video blog. She’s an image consultant that helps people not look like fucking idiots. So, basically she’s like, “Oh, I wanna do a video blog.” We’re chatting. “[unintelligible] like a business card.” I’m like “No.” She’s like, “Do you have…” what else was it? “Do you have a business card?” “No.” “Do you have an elevator pitch, so you could tell people what you do?” I’m like, “I’m terrible at that.” She’s like, “So you don’t fucking know anything about what you do when you’ve gotten away basically by stumbling one step after another through the incompetence that you have and somehow are still alive instead of being like dead in an alley way?” She probably would never say anything like that, but this is my interpretation and in fact that is the truth of the matter, but aren’t we all stumbling in some way or another? Right? It is like totally bullshit. It doesn’t make sense.

One of the things that it has meant is it’s like this focus on the internet that you have. What am I doing here? I’m talking about a bunch of shit. You guys, I love you dearly. I am going to play some tracks. I’ll get right back to you, okay? I gotta go get some pizza because I just came into the house. I wanted to podcast like right away before people go home. So, were gonna play some music and in fact this is gonna be a really long ass show. I am going to a podcast conference. I’m flying tomorrow. You guys will get this Friday, which is the day of the expo. So, if you’re hearing this very likely you’re not there, but if you are in fact there and maybe you’ll hear this at the same time, we will work something out, na-na-na, come chitchat with me. I’m not gonna give you my telephone number on my goddamn podcast, but check out my website, send me an email, and I will totally check that out. Then we will get drunk together. How about that?

[Edan – Torture Chamber feat Percee P plays]

I really don’t know how regular DJs do that because here on my sequencer, the track just ends. I’m circling it with my finger right now. I’m pointing at it. It just ends. So, how do I make a cool transitioning thing? You know what I mean? I don’t think I was meant for this. I think I was meant to maybe either like wash windows for a living or may be something else along those lines. I just don’t know how to work this. I’m not good at twiddling. Okay, people? I just wanna be straight up with you guys. You know what I mean? I’m not good at this whole twiddling thing. I can increase the EQ or I can decrease the volume or the gain. I know all the words, but I don’t know how they fit together in order to make me have a show that is actually good. All of this baffles me. You know what I mean? Try as I might over the internet, I’ve learned a great deal over the internet, but I have not learned how to fuckin’ do this. I don’t know. I need a mentor. Anybody? Is anyone willing to be my mentor? I’ll do that mentor thing. You know what I mean? Like that whole slave or whatever. I don’t know how the mentor thing works. Does that mean that, what? What am I supposed to do? I really don’t get it.

So, this is the thing. It is like I am saying. It’s just like some things you can’t fuckin’ learn on the internet. You know what I mean? Go outside and actually learn with people. It’s funny because I say this and yet yesterday I was calculating how many people I’ve actually spoken to during the day as opposed to how many people I’ve spoken to on the internet. I’ve spoken to a number, you know what I mean? Through my podcast, I speak to hundreds and hundreds of people and yet in person yesterday I talked to three people which is pretty fuckin’ pathetic, aside from the people that I live with. This is an actual crime in some countries. You know what I mean? It’s like you’re a hermit and you probably have guns, go away, we don’t want you anymore. However, I don’t have guns, not myself. You know what I mean?

This is the thing. It’s like more and more as people go on, it’s like am I losing my ability to actually contact with people? My roommate just dropped this thing on my — oh, it’s a final notice people for a parcel. I need to show up, when? When do I need to show up? Holding it out in for you at the outlet shown below. Oh yeah, here we go. Oh God, I [unintelligible] need to do that, Jesus Christ. All right. So I got to leave, I got to do that. What time do you guys close? It doesn’t say. All right, well I got to go pick up a parcel. Yet another thing I have to do before I go on my flight.

Tomorrow in the morning, I have this flight at 8:20, American Airlines, and I am flying to Dallas and then I’m flying to Los Angeles and so this is me. I’m talking with a guy at Indiefeed, this guy Chris, Chris MacDonald. Him and I are podcasters both for a very long time, so we have known each other for a long time, na-na-na-na-na. I’m doing this work for him a little bit for the electronic feed on Indiefeed. I’m like, “Fuck. It’s fuckin’ expensive to fly out to goddamn Ontario, California,” and yet I was like, for like three days, you know what I mean? So, I was like, “It’s fuckin’ expensive, so dude,” who’s from Washington, D.C., I’d like to add. He’s not from the west. I don’t know how many times he’d been to Los Angeles or the fuckin’ Ontario, California. He was there last year with me, but anyway it was like, “You got to go to Los Angeles instead. It’s faster to go to Los Angeles, go to Los Angeles.” So, I’m like, “Oh wow. That’s really great.” He’s American so I trusted him. I should not be trusting Americans. Categorically, we should not be trusting Americans. Americans don’t trust each other. Just go out and give each other evil looks. Give each other the evil eye. I don’t care how you do it, just figure out a way. So, this is the thing. I’m fuckin’ flying to Los Angeles now. So, I’m talking to another guy who lives in Los Angeles and I’m like, “Hey, so how long would the cab ride be like?” I just figured I’d take a cab to the hotel from there and he is like, “Dude, that cab is going to cost you $100 or more.”

So suffice it to say, the whole principle of not spending money while going to California did not really work out and instead I had to fuckin’ like practically pimp myself out on MySpace, not MySpace, but like the equivalent of it, in order to get somebody to give me a ride. So, there’s this girl that’s now giving me a ride that hopefully herself is not a hermit and doesn’t have guns unlike myself. I’m leaving my guns at home so she’ll be safe, you know what I mean? We got the thing figured out. That’s it. I don’t fucking talk to anyone.

I guess I gotta pick up this thing, but I just wanna give you guys some more gold before I go. You know what I mean? It’s so strange because I pick up all this stuff off the internet. This is either something that I received from a label or it’s something that I received from C.C. Chapman. I don’t know which one it is, but it’s a parcel; however, it doesn’t really give me much information. This is the thing, it’s like more and more I’m getting influenced by — you know what this means? This means that people can basically in the future, despite the fact that they’ll all become hermits and get guns, well hopefully not, but you know what I mean? Like they’ll all be able to go ahead and basically become whatever it is they want to be. They’re born in Canada or they’re born in the States. Does this mean they have to become effective Canadians like I know less and less about Canadian culture? I don’t know shit about my own fuckin’ country. I don’t watch the news. Everything I fuckin’ grab is from goddamn like from, not from newspapers, from like or like from blogs I found out about. It’s all on the internet. So I’m less and less in tune with my actual culture and the people that surround me, which is kind of fucked up when you think about it but also — hey, it’s 4:20, sweet. It’s just bizarre, dude, you know what I mean?

It’s like what are we becoming in the long run? I know a couple of people that are futurists, okay? Todd Maffin is one of them. He is a podcaster. This is what he said. He said you become a futurist and then what happens to you is basically people start actually paying attention to what it is you’re saying then telling you that you’re wrong later on. So it’s like what am I gonna say that this thing is going happen. I don’t fuckin’ know. The point is, is that — now I’m in touch with — especially in the city, you know what I mean? I go and I take Brazilian martial arts classes and then I go then I take yoga if I want to. You know what I mean? I’m constantly in touch with all these fucking different cultures. So, what is it? Are we becoming more diverse? Are we becoming more of a mono culture? I don’t even know anymore. Thankfully, we’re not all watching NBC and CBS anymore, but we are doing a bunch of things and being influenced. It’s so fuckin’ bizarre. Culture is fascinating but really hell of ass complex at the same time. You know what? You guys are gonna get some music and I’m gonna let you go. Guys from Sirius, I love you very much. This show is gonna continue afterwards. We are gonna keep chit-chatting because I feel like it. Then we’re gonna see how it goes, so check out the rest of the show on and just clickety-click on the play button. It’s not that complicated. Go to my website, all right? I love you guys. I’ll see you later. Here’s some music.

[MED – Push feat. J Dilla plays]

Oh, fuck! That was short. I still got 30 seconds. What am I gonna talk about? I don’t understand how this DJ thing works. You know what I mean? This whole timing thing, I do not understand it. I never pay attention to the instruments. I don’t know shit about the world around me and this is the way that I like it. The more ignorant I remain, the happier I am. All right. Yeah, it’s been really nice chilling with you people on Sirius. The show is gonna continue but I need to be like, you know. You guys need to go now. It’s not that I don’t love you, I do. It’s just that you should check on my fucking website and get the actual show and then be like, “Oh, I worship Julien because Julien is so fuckin’ awesome.” So peace, check you guys later.

The rest of us can continue. I’m not joking about this thing. I don’t even know. I guess it’s like through trial and error and being live like I try to make my show live as I possibly can, but at the same time it’s just like the temptation to edit is so right there in front of me. You know what I mean? I never like to take out my uhm’s, take out my uh’s, and all of that shit and make myself look like less of an idiot than I am.

This is the one thing. It’s like I was watching Howard Stern, the movie Private Parts. What ended up happening is I’m watching this movie and it’s like when it came out I was like, “This movie is bullshit.” I was like 15 at the time I think, which is funny now because he is two stations away on 100 and here we are on 102. It’s like we’re chit-chatting. I’m just fucking watching it on my computer and then what ends up happening is I’m watching this and I guess it must be like a trial and error thing like you learn a bunch of shit, but the cool thing that I really learned is — I’m watching this movie and of course it’s a glamorized version of his life, you know, lot of edits, blah, blah, blah. I’m sure he did all these things that were not as cool as they are presented in the movie, but the principle is the same. It’s just say what the fuck you want to say and it’s remarkable that there is such a resistance, or there was. In regular radio, there is still such a resistance coming from government like industry, coming from companies and na-na-na-na to saying whatever you can and to a certain degree I am very grateful that never has my show ever been censored. No one has the capacity to censor it even on Sirius now, it is never censored. I send people the file and bang, it’s just up. It’s up immediately and there is not a fuckin’ change that is made aside from transitionary things. Nothing I fuckin’ do is changed. This never has been able to happen before. I think it’s remarkable and I think it’s a trend that’s gonna continue. You know what I mean? It’s like, that’s what is happening, people are paying citizen journalists now. I’m preaching to the choir here, you guys are subscribed to a goddamn podcast for Christ’s sakes. You know what I mean?

So this is the thing. It’s like now I have to fly tomorrow in the morning and I’m like, so do I need to take my laptop on or no? My friend Patrick who I was chatting with today was like, “They always touch your fuckin’ laptop, ask you if they want to turn it on,” and I ‘m like I got to bring this thing. You know what I mean? I’m staring at it right now. I got to bring this thing because you know it’s a fuckin’ laptop. You know what I mean? I was just like, “I got to check my emails and shit because I’m a maniac.” So, I’m looking at it and going, “These motherfuckers, they are gonna tamper with it. They will ask you to turn on. They are gonna fucking put their fingers on the screen,” and he is like, this is what he says, “Touch my balls if you want, don’t touch my goddamn laptop. Do not put your fuckin’ smudgy ass little fingers on my goddamn screen. Do not throw it around like your fuckin’ — I don’t give a fuck what you treat other people like, but do not fuckin’ treat my laptop like that!” It’s like your fuckin’ child. It’s like, “You touchin’ my baby? Did you just touch my baby?”

This Mexican fuckin’ man came up to me once and he was fuckin’ like spitting on my face practically. We are in this park, right? This fuckin’ act coming at me and he is fuckin’ yelling at me like, “Don’t fuckin’ talk to my kids!” Because these fuckin’ kids came up running and I was sitting with these two girls, one of them is my roommate that’s in right now. They are all checking out these two girls. I’m like, “No, these are my girls.” I’m kidding around, right? I’m like, “Hey, these are my girls, go the fuck away.” I’m like fuckin’ shooing these kids away. These are fuckin’ like 8-year-old kids, whatever. You know what I mean? Then this fuckin’ father comes at me and he was like easily 10 years older than me and very fuckin’ red in the face. You know what I mean? He fuckin’ came at me and he was fuckin’ like doing that whole “if you are fuckin’ talk to my kids. I’ll fuckin’ stab you next time, don’t ever come back.” I’m like, “Whoa, whoa chill out.” You know what I mean? If I had known then what I know now, I simply would have head-butted him and then down he would have gone. You know what I mean? Because the head-butt is the ultimate equalizer. Let’s be honest with each other, the power of the head-butt. He was right to my size and I could have just gone down on him. That’s not what I meant to say. I meant to say — fuck rephrasing. I would have given him a head-butt. There we are.

Wow, all my steam is totally gone now. Yeah. The last time I was at this conference… I got to go though because my podcast is not going to be over 30 minutes, sorry. I love you guys but it’s like fuckin’ unacceptable. I was listening to CBC Podcast like a couple of days ago and I was looking at them going 37 minutes. Fuck you! I don’t care how interesting you are. Last year I was at this conference and I’m talking to Dan Klass and Dan used to listen to my show. I don’t he listens anymore, that’s not really relevant. He’s like a frontier man of podcasting and he’s like, “Why are you not upset? Aren’t you upset all time?” I’m like, “No, I’m not upset all time. Most of the time — I mean you know, I can be agitated and I like to say what I like to say and I like to be enthusiastic about things, but I’m not always like fuckin’ yelling all over the place.”

Yeah, that’s it. If you are at the expo, come see me. Send me an email. I’ll probably get it and then whatever like we’ll figure out something so we can meet. If not, I’ll talk about you, I mean, I’ll talk to you, sorry, I won’t talk about you behind your back after I get back and that’s it. Thanks very much for listening. Stay subscribed. Subscribe to the podcast if you can. I would really appreciate it and you could do that by going to and there are instructions on how to do that. Go check it out, all right. Peace.


One response to “My weird sex dream with Joanne Colan – transcript”

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