[Note: I realize this is all one paragraph. I’ll format that later on, but this is the rawness right here.]
Julien Smith: Literally sitting in a pile of my own crap this morning, In Over Your Head #124, here we are. It’s around the 24th of August or something like that. Yes! It is because I am getting tattooed this afternoon. That’s right. Once every year, once every couple of years it happens. Today is the day. Skipping to work, enjoying it, sitting literally once again in a pile of my own garbage and filth because we were cleaning the apartment immediately after painting a large section of it. So, all of those wonderful piece of shit colors are now gone. Only a few of them remain. There’s the apricot sort of orangish color, which looks like the puke that you create after you have been binge drinking for approximately 48 hours and then we have the forest green on the other wall and that is the forest green from the forest that literally died a thousand years beforehand and then now is left to its devices with not much left to live for standing on its last leg in over your head. I had a dust remover. I got some other shit right here, some miniatures from the Dungeons and Dragons days sitting here never been used. Hey, I got a wolf here. I got some townsfolk, I got a little elf creature, I got a bunch of shit here. So, what are we gonna start with? Let’s start with some Sean Price and we’ll move this right along.
[Sean Price: Shake Down plays]
Shake Down by Sean Price from the album Monkey Bars. You wish you owned it. Don’t listen to the music because I tell you to listen to the music. Listen to the music because it’s better than anything you mother fucking own in your record collection. This is simple, okay? I’m not telling you what to do because it’s good for you. I’m telling you that you need to do this. Wait, now I’m telling you that you need to do it because it’s good for you and because I’m your fucking lord and master that’s why.
If you are listening to this on SIRIUS 102, Fridays at 7:30 p.m., then you need to get your ass over to inoveryourhead.net. Shit! I made the URL complicated! Over to inoveryourhead.net. Just fucking go there. Jesus Christ! Did I tell you guys a story? See this happened so long ago and yet it remains so fresh in my mind for reasons that you will begin to understand soon. It was prevalent in my mind and I think it was a turning point. I’m gonna explain this to you. About two weeks ago, I was at a party and I head-butted this girl. Yes! I know it sounds bad and I felt really guilty about it afterwards, but I’ve come to a certain kind of epiphany after that and because of that I’m gonna share this epiphany with you, but first the story.
I go to this party. I’m like whatever. It’s my friend Adair’s going away party. He’s going to Japan. He’s gonna teach English, blah, blah, blah. A fucking genius ass kid. Tiny little fucking child of a man and yet nonetheless he is around 22. He’s got his masters degree and he is going to Japan to fucking own the world and here I am in my fucking basement, right? Anyway, so I am at this party and whatever. We’re just chilling out and I fucking opened the fridge at some point at the beginning when I ended up there to fucking get the beers or whatever and I fucking opened the fridge and I slammed into this girl, not a lot, just like I fucking slammed into her a little bit, a tiny little bit. Oops! Oh, sorry, or whatever except I don’t say sorry. She’s like, “What’s that about?” She kinda looks at me with this like, you know, one eye half-opened kind of thing like she’s inspecting me and so I go and I looked at her and I’m like “It’s because I’m gonna kick your fucking ass later,” and she’s like, “Oh, really? “Oh, yeah.” “Okay, I’m waiting for it.” I’m like, “Yeah, well you better be ready because I’m gonna kick your fucking ass.” So, I’m like whatever. I leave. I don’t ask anybody what this girl’s name is. I don’t ask her what her name is. I’m not interested what her name is. This whole thing is like a big fucking joke. If you knew and you saw me at parties, then you would understand this. I’m going to the Podcast Expo at the end of September, by the way. So, if you want me to kick your ass there, I’ll fucking do it. I got no problem with that. I’ll fucking do it, I swear to God.
So, anyway, to follow up on this thing. We go out, we continue the party, blah, blah, blah. We end up on the roof. We’re chitchatting. There’s this whole kind of cool thing on the roof where they’ve got a skylight that leads into the bathroom/the entrance hall, but because it’s separated you could totally see anybody that it is going to the bathroom. So, we have a fun time there in ways that I will not explain to you because… because there are young ears listening okay and this is a family program, Jesus! So then we end up you know doing all sorts of things. Every little while I like go over to her. I’m like, “You’re gonna die, you realize that? You’re gonna fucking die. I’m gonna kick your fucking ass.” She’s like, “You think that. You’re gonna die.” By this point, I’m like, “Oh, this girl’s pretty cool,” but I don’t ask her what her name is because that would be wrong.
Hold on, I got to get my coffee here.
We’re podcasting at 10:28 a.m. Eastern Standard Time. Once again, people on SIRIUS, if you really love me you would be listening to this on your computer if you have one, but if you have a SIRIUS receiver, you must have a goddamn computer, right? This is Middle America we’re talking about here. So, end of the party, I fucking — I’m like whatever, you know, I’m just chilling. I’ve totally forgotten about her by this point. I see her a little while, I’m like, you know, whatever some girl. I still don’t know what her name is and she fucking comes at me – like no joke. She comes at me at 100 fucking miles an hour out of nowhere just as she’s leaving and she fucking starts wailing on me like crazy with her hands and she’s like — first she was kinda like bitch slapping, you know what I’m saying when I say that — like fucking just like “aahhh!” slapping and I’m like, okay, some bitch slapping, you know, which is cute. We’re joking around, no problem, and then I fucking like – I don’t know what I did but I fucking like get one hand kinda like over to her face because the fact that like I want to get her away from me and she fucking slaps me in the back of the head – like HARD. I’m like, oh no, no, no, this isn’t happening.
So, I grabbed her and I fucking lift her up and keep in mind, okay? I’m not like huge. If you guys haven’t seen me, I’m not like fucking 180 pounds like or 200 fucking pounds. I’m like 145 pounds. I’m small, I’m like 5′ 10″ and this girl was tall and she was significantly above my weight. Of course, I say this to defend myself from what I’m about to say later. So, what ends up happening is I grabbed her, lift her up, and fucking slammed her like not I don’t know — like not hard, but like enough so that she’ll feel it on the floor and so we fucking start going at each other like fucking slamming, fucking like fist, and she’s biting me in my arm, and she like biting hard fuck like seriously hard, and we end up in a position where like I’m kinda like on top of her like straddling, is that the right word? I’m straddling her and I’ve got her arms like kinda like held with each of my arms and she’s fucking coming at me with her head, which is the only thing that’s loose and like she’s fucking coming at me like “aaahh!” She’s got her mouth open like she’s gonna fucking kick my ass. So, I was full of adrenaline and I’m just gonna finish this up…
I head-butted her.
Not a lot, but it really could have been a lot worse. But this story is not about kicking some girl’s ass. It’s about head-butting and the reason that I’m telling you this is because I want you to recognize the power of the head-butt. Last thing that I want to say about the story is immediately after I head-butted her, she’s like, “Okay, all right. Let’s call it truce.” I’m like, “Okay,” and she fucking like comes up to me and she’s got like – she’s like proffers her face and her lips like she’s gonna like fucking – we do it like a two-cheek kiss thing in Montreal, but she is like clearly like breathing hard and like — I’m like holy crap, is she like turned on? Then, my girlfriend who’s sitting right next to me like a couple feet away on a couch — when this girl leaves, it’s like, “Holy crap! That girl totally wanted to fuck you. This is unbelievable.” I’m like, “Really? I need to get into fights with more girls.” This is clearly a solution, but this is about head-butts. I want you to recognize the power of the head-butt and I’m gonna explain to you why, but first we’re gonna listen to some other shit. Louis Logic from the album Sin-A-Matic. Check it out.
[Louis Logic: Fair Weather Fan plays]
Louis Logic from the album Sin-A-Matic. Sweet all the way around from beginning to end. This is the track Fair Weather Fan and it’s true what he says on this track. He really does answer all of his E mail as much as possible and he answered my E-mail quite a long time ago. We ended up talking about Rufus Wainwright and gay rap and shit like that, which he is not, but could be if he wanted to be.
Only got a couple of minutes, so this has to be a lesson people. You have to learn. About a week to 10 days after I head-butted this girl, I learned that the head-butt was the most powerful thing known to man. It is the great equalizer just like if you kick somebody in the balls, that is a great way to show somebody who’s boss, but it’s not — yeah, I know, and if you kick somebody in the balls, it’s not really the same. It’s not really kicking their ass. It’s just kicking them in the balls. If instead you really want to kick somebody’s ass, I’m talking about damage because — the fact of the matter is, the real truth is if I had accidentally hit her a little bit more, a little bit harder than I had wanted, too, I could have broken her fucking nose and although I am proud to have kind of like, you know, tried out the head-butt, you know everybody’s got to try out the head-butt at some point, so I tried the head-butt. I’m happy with that. I really could have fucked up and it could have turn into a big fucking incident. Is the conclusion to this don’t hit girls? I’m not really sure, but it could be.
But my real conclusion is practice the head-butt because the head-butt is the great equalizer.
So, for like a week I was seriously walking around looking at people and being like, “Oh yeah! You got a fucking problem?” Bang! And seeing — not actually head-butting them, but really, really wanting to and it is that thing that you do that you need just, you know, really go at it because your fucking neck muscles are the strongest mother fucking thing in the universe and I’m serious about this. You could fucking destroy somebody with a good head-butt. I’m not kidding around. This is like serious news. It’s like seriously useful, so that is if there’s one thing that I can give you as a piece of advice, it is to use the head-butt to the best of your ability and I will leave you with that and this is In Over Your Head #124,1 x 2 is 2, 2 x 2 is 4. That’s about all we got. That’s about all I’ve just said. Use it wisely, use the wisdom wisely, my friends. I’ll see you next time, all right? Peace.
[Busdriver: Unemployed Black Astronaut plays]