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5 Effective Ways to Use Twitter to... ahhh fuck it

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So unless you’ve been under a rock somewhere, you’ve probably heard at least one success story some idiot journalist wrote about how Twitter can do amazing things for some moron’s business or whatever.

Well it’s all true, and even better, if you follow these instructions, this moron could be YOU.

Now I know this stuff may not be easy to believe– after all, Twitter just looks like a totally useless piece of crap from where you’re standing, but trust me, when you see the power of it you’re going to shit yourself. Anyone– and I mean anyone– anyone can get their bullshit popular on this stupid thing. You gotta see it with your own two eyes.

Basically all these people think you’re their internet friends or whatever, even though you’re just a company, and then after a while they’ll just send out your shit because they think y’all are friends… with a COMPANY. lol.

I know, It’s unbelievable. I think it’s crazy too.

So anyway stop sitting on the sidelines watching douchebags promote their crap on this new thing… it’s time you got your self-promoting asses on there and started ruining this new technology for everyone too.

Check this out

You can basically pay to get a bunch of followers, and then everyone on Twitter think you’re all popular and follow you too. And these are REAL people. It’s some seriously amazing shit because, in real life, you would need actual customers to convince others. But here, you can just get a bunch of numbers and then you’ve got this great thing going from the comfort of your own couch.

Even better is that all these tools will totally just retweet your stuff– basically sell all your shit to their friends, for free! That’s why this piece of crap is even better than Amway— on Twitter, you don’t have to pay anyone!

All because of the magic of “social capital,” whatever that is. Seriously I think that’s a made up word, but who cares, that shit works!

How sick is that

Anyway, I want you to go to twitter.com, create an account right now, and then put in an avatar, but not your company name or anything– put a smiling face in there! Everybody loves smiling faces, plus according to some good books about manipulating people, they really draw the eye and shit. Then you can totally get people believing that you care! I know, crazy right?

So after that you’re going to get on there and be all “let’s be friends” and shit. You do this by talking to all these idiots– get this, you’re going to lose it when you hear this— by talking to them about OTHER SHIT. Not even your own bullshit products, but by butting into their stupid conversations and adding your own opinion… I’m serious, you can totally do this and they’re all like “oh, thanks” and they totally don’t know you’re marketing to them. And then, BAM!

Hook, line, and sinker

It’s up to you from here! Remember, create compelling content and you’ll entice people to… ahhh, you know what, fuck this, I’m outta here.

* Filed by at 12:00 pm under humour, parody, projects, social media


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42 Responses to “5 Effective Ways to Use Twitter to... ahhh fuck it”

  1. Matt Says:

    Wait a minute…

    Are you saying we are NOT friends?!

  2. Matt Says:

    (notice smiling face)

  3. Kristen Says:

    This is some “fucking awesome” advice!

  4. John McLachlan Says:

    Hey man, you’re fucking with my mind. It’s going to explode.

  5. Ryan Critchett Says:

    Love it dude.

    I’m with ya. It’s stupid anymore. I follow under 130 people because I don’t want my Twitter engagement to be like QVC.

    Comparative to the permaflux in the engines: Google ranks websites based on.. stuff, spammers and retards figure it out, they start overloading with “stuff” and get short lived rankings. Then, big G changes things around.

    What does this tell us? Are we all just barbaric? We can’t settle for doing things the cool way?

    Man.. I catch so much heat for talking about this stuff like you do.. in forums where doing stupid shady shit is the standard operating procedure.

    It’s good to see someone like you talking about this. Great post man.

    RC

  6. Laurie Says:

    Thank goodness I’m doing something right. I have a smiling face on my avatar. The thing is, if people try to pretend to sell me stuff, I unfollow them. 🙂

  7. Simon Tooley Says:

    YOU FUCKIN` ROCK!

  8. steve macalpine Says:

    c’mon Julien pleeeeese do your next post on Klout.
    This one made my day.

  9. Emily Binder Says:

    Your point about people on Twitter who amass followers via auto follow tools and even purchase follower lists harkens back to your post last week on how content isn’t king. And sadly, the underlying theme of both insights is that measuring influence is getting harder as humans learn to harness and manipulate tools like search and Twitter. As such, we have to really look at someone’s content or tweets and decide for ourselves if they are worth following. Google rankings and follower counts simply don’t paint a reliable picture.

  10. David Lelong Says:

    Best post on how to use Twitter I’ve read in a while! I’m glad you reminded everyone about the smiling face avatar and how well it “draws the eye”. That’s something most people overlook.

  11. Peter Paluska Says:

    Yes, I totally feel you, man. Not in that way! You know what I mean.. God, I hope you do anyway. Yeah, so how about those Habs?;-)

    Salut!

    Peter

  12. Steve Duncan Says:

    Awesome. Then all you have to do is get one of those automated programs that tweets the same fucking thing over and over, so that you don’t even have to talk to these people!

  13. Howard Stein Says:

    I was ON THE FLOOR, my STOMACH hurts from laughing! I love you man, YOU TELL THE TRUTH! No wonder I only have a hundred followers, must be because my dog looks like he’s going to KILL you.

  14. john Falchetto Says:

    Julien, when you wrote You cannot die, I said this guy is full of shit, you reminded me of the guys you describe in life/career in this post.
    But then I saw the personal abuse you took from the post you put up on a Paleo site, I told myself, man to create his much hate, he must be saying doing something right.
    Great post, I actually use to explain Twitter to people.

  15. Elaine Says:

    Still laughing!

  16. Michele Welch Says:

    Wait… I actually do like SOME of the people I follow on Twitter, including you. 😉 And in the fantasy world of Twitterville, when I think we are friends and hold hands and sing kumbaya, it’s nice to think that most people do care. May just a little. 🙂

  17. Fitarella Says:

    Dang. I fucking heart you.

  18. harriet fancott Says:

    More words to hate: content (writing?), engagement (you mean talking to people?) and so it goes…

  19. Frédéric de Villamil Says:

    So, wait, you mean that what’s I ve been reading from you on my Twitter timeline was just fucking bullshit from the couch marketing? Come one…

    Made my day.

  20. adam Says:

    bloody brilliant. Gonna sent this and RT this and FB this and @ reply this and PM and DM this to all – and you know there are a bazillion of them – the wanky social media experts that insist daily on telling me and you how we should be using Twitter using buzzy little phrases that make them look like real in-the-know journalist types.

  21. NomadicNeill Says:

    Funny.

    Now lets see you remove the Twitter and Like buttons from your blog.

    Let me know when you do.

  22. Amy Tobin Says:

    I love you. Really. Not in a bullshit ‘Social Media’ sort of way. I love that your posts are no bullshit, direct, and jam-packed with swear words. But More F bombs please. As I said before… that’s my favorite adjective….

  23. Spiro Says:

    Fuck auto Direct messages, the trump network, and douche bags. Ok done.

  24. Leigh Says:

    I’m new here so forgive me if this has been covered —

    Do mean “social capital” to be synonymous with “cultural capital” — or only as it applies to the online social spaces?

  25. jack smith Says:

    you just lost all credibility with me using the f-word like some narcissistic and arrogant idiot- grow up dude and get a life outside you own self-centered blog.

  26. Noel Says:

    I partially agree with Jack. I have subscribed to this blog over the past year and have noticed it’s quality take a nosedive. It’s a shame, as I found the initial posts interesting and have been directed toward topics of which I had previously been unaware.

    Gratuitous swearing and cheap hooks on how to self-promote via Twitter fly in the face of the ‘content is king’ approach you espoused in your earlier posts.

    This is not hater-speak. I just wish that you returned to what you are good at. Reading this blog is rapidly becoming a waste of my time.

    I will continue to subscribe for another month to see if things have changed, but I regret that I recommended this blog to friends.

  27. Jelena Says:

    And BUM! :))))
    People say virtual and real world are different,but they forget that “real “people make this virtual world.
    Interesting research work for the psychology…

  28. Tina Says:

    You have way more fun than @chrisbrogan!

  29. Ron De Giusti Says:

    Julien, you have found your writing voice. I love it! It comes across authentic, witty, and a bit unique amongst all the other blogs out there.

    Keep up the great writing. Loving it. Waiting for your next post!

  30. Daniel M. Clark Says:

    @jack smith – you lost all credibility when you admitted to being offended by a word. Not an action, not an idea, not an insult, but a word. How fucking sad.

  31. Daniel M. Clark Says:

    Great post, Julien. It’s not about being a douchebag and racking up numbers, it’s about using Twitter in a more personal way and not worrying about the stupid metrics. I use Twitter like I use email – to communicate with a small number of people. Or like a persistent IM session or chat room.

  32. Mariella Says:

    I think you’ve just summed up everything I’ve ever thought about Twitter. So thank you — now I don’t have to talk about it any more!

  33. Jake LaCaze Says:

    Oh my god…

    LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE!

  34. Corporate Geek Says:

    Using swear words in each sentence doesn’t make your articles better in any way. You are about to lose a reader if you keep it up like this.

    I have nothing against swear words, i use them daily but this is too much.

  35. Karol Munoz Says:

    I want to be yo friend

  36. Katie Felten Says:

    I love it Julien … and hey since you followed me on twitter find me on FB too at
    http://www.Iamadouche.com

  37. Ali Short Says:

    You ROCK , brilliant post [a bit harsh language though] , but did you notice the Smilly face on gravatar too :D. Everyone is taking note , I am following you on Twitter now , just dont go marketing on me 😀

  38. Beth @ To the Fullest Says:

    Great post! You had me giggling.

  39. Anouska Bertram Says:

    This is probably the first article I bothered to read from start to finish. Very funny!

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